Well, I haven't posted in well over a month. I've had so much whirling around in my head I feel like I couldn't articulate a single thought that would make any meaningful sense at all. But God has been doing something in me in this last month or so and I think it's time to share it.
I've been thinking quite a bit about this new phase in my life...30 years old feels huge, feels exciting, feels old. (ha just kidding) I've thought much about the time spent in my 20's and I've decided I want my 30's to be different...MUCH different. Don't get my wrong, my 20's brought lots of great adventures, wonderful learning, babies, friends, experiences. But underneath the polished exterior of who I've represented myself to be, my 20's were also filled with much insecurity, selfishness, bad attitudes and misguided priorities to say the least. You may not have known it to look at me, but contentment and joy were rare commodities. Which is sad, because I've been so blessed. BEYOND blessed even. Looking back at all I've been given and knowing in my heart I've not been completely thankful just makes me sick, and ashamed if I'm being honest.
I want the decade of my 30's to be marked by difference attributes than that of my 20's. I want to be different, I want to be better.
I've decided that 2014 is a year that I will give God room to change me. When I say change, I don't mean, small little things..I mean, I want to be CHANGED, really CHANGED!
I'm tired of the rat race of life as we know it. I'm tired of Christianity as we know it. I'm tired of the world selling us misguided dreams and desires that do nothing but fuel our own selfishness and pride as we disregard the lost and the hurting. Things need to change."I" need to change.
I don't want to look at the brave people who are doing great things and only wish I was brave enough to do what they're doing..I want to BE that brave person.
I want to be brave to tackle my selfishness and greed and really turn that ship around in a world that is sending us full speed down stream towards destruction.
I want to bravely be disciplined with my convictions even if NO ONE else understands, agrees or is following my example. Cause lets face it, It's so much easier to do something hard when you aren't the only one "suffering". When you're tackling your human sinful nature it feels like suffering when everyone around you is gleefully indulging in their own. It feels unfair, it feels lonely. But I'm reminding myself that those things didn't make me happy when I was "gleefully indulging" in them myself. It only brought joy for a minute and then it was gone, fleeting, like chasing the wind. Just when you think you've caught it, it slips through your fingers and calls you to pursue it further. It's a game you just never win.
2014 is going to be a search for simplicity, contentment and living with less. Not because I have to, but because I'm learning that having more, is not actually "MORE" when it comes to feeling fulfilled in life and I want my kids to learn this lesson early. We are going to live with less than the consumeristic world tells us we "deserve". We are going to eat at home more, shop less, be thankful for what we have by not constantly filling our eyes, minds and hearts with all that we don't have and "want". Those things are like the sunset, it's pretty for a few moments but before you even realize it, it's gone and you're waiting on what's next. I for one am tired of looking to "what's next"..the next cute sweater, the bigger tv, the newer car, the next restaurant.
It's completely twisted that a 2700sq ft house, a closet the size of my first kitchen, more toys than my daughter can possibly play with, cupboards full of food and all of our basic needs being met and THEN MORE..is still not enough. Nope, there is always another baby doll to want, another cute shirt to buy, another style of curtain to hang, more food to eat, another vacation to dream about. It's a perpetual cycle of "I WANT", "WE DESERVE", "MORE MORE MORE" and frankly, it's exhausting.
I want peace and fulfillment in today, in ME today... Not me ten pounds from now, not me when I get new boots or a new hair cut, or when I get to redecorate my living room. I will be content with me TODAY.
So, I'll probably be blogging more about this journey I'm about to embark on. My search for simplicity and contentment by embracing less, embracing sacrifice, embracing thankfulness. I'm sure it's going to be WAAAY harder than I can even imagine. But I'm determined to give God room to change me.
I don't want to look at the brave people who are doing great things and only wish I was brave enough to do what they're doing..I want to BE that brave person.
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