It's true, I have an addiction.
I'm not proud of it. I'm shaking at the thought of even blogging about it. But I've spent too much time making excuses, neglecting my family, my husband, my hobbies, my happiness. I'm over it and tonight I made a rash decision.
It's over.
I canceled my facebook. (gasp) I know, I know. I've done it before. But I'm not talkin, deactivate for a month while you get your "priorities" in order than return and be even more engrossed in it than you were previously. I'm talking DELETED, nothing remains. Nothing is left to log into. It's gone. All, however many years of social media archives are lost into the black hole of cyber space where only the exceptionally technological venture.
When I say I'm addicted to facebook it sounds really stupid. Foolish even. I mean, what kind of lame-o gets addicted to a silly social networking site?? This lame-o apparently.
Here's the thing, about three months ago. I knew that I knew the Lord was telling me Facebook was a huge distraction and had become an idol in my life. Seems silly to have facebook as an idol. But I did.
At the time I listened to the leading of the Holy Spirit and deactivated my facebook. It was intended to be indefinitely. It was SOOO HARD! I literally felt like a drug addict having withdrawals. I felt lonely, disconnected, sad. It sounds so lame, but I literally cried actual tears to God about missing facebook. Missing the "interaction" it brought. The first week was a really tough week for me.
This is an entry from my prayer journal from that week to give you an idea where my heart was.
I'm being vulnerable sharing this, but I want to be real.
July 9th
"I turned off my fb, one week ago yesterday. My first day of freedom and the beginning of a battle and struggle with the addiction and god I let creep in and steel my heart away from God. I had set fb up as my hope, my friend when I was bored. My way of interacting, communicating, sharing. I used it to cover my emptiness. When I think about how alone I feel outside the wall of social media. It's been really tough. There are moments of every day that I feel lonely and want to get on fb. For days I've felt addicted and angry. Does no one else long for more than scrolling on our phones or staring at our ipads? does no one else get tired of seeing either "the best" of someone or "the worst"? I feel like an island, cut off from "fitting in" being in "the know". It's lonely. But God is my friend. When I have no one else to turn to. I MUST turn to him."
See what I mean??? Man, just reading that makes me sad. Clearly my worth and peace was wrapped up in something that could not and was not providing anything beneficial for me.
Anyways, back to my story....
After the firs week it got easier. I started not really missing it anymore and I finally felt freedom!! Freedom from the stress of other people's opinions ALL.THE.TIME. Free from the constant pull to check it and see if anyone had "liked" a post or photo I'd added. Free from the mindless scrolling and my time was redeemed. I regained tons of time to do anything else I wanted. Play piano, craft, scrapbook, cook, write, read, sing, play with my kids.
Then, I started this blog...and I really wanted to share it. So, I made the excuse that I would log back into facebook so I could "share" my writing with friends and promote my blog. That was fine at first. But then I thought..."well, I'd been having luck selling things on the city wide sites, I should get back on those and sell some things." I made the excuse that I have so many friends and family out of town, and it's just the easiest way to communicate with them..blah blah blah. THEN I started learning about Trim Healthy Mama, and of course THEY TOO have a facebook page...that page has 20,000 members and moves faster than you can type a post. SO MUCH INFO, SO MANY RECIPES....scroll, scroll, scroll, read, read, read, ignore,ignore,ignore....as my kids or husband sits in the dull glow of my phone screen.
Slowly but surely, my past over use and addictive, mindless use of this social media led me deeper and deeper into more and more time wasted and bondage.
I've been feeling the strain. My mind feels cluttered. I don't feel at rest or at peace. Once again I feel trapped by something that it pains me to give up. And I can see how much time it's taking from my family. It's so easy to scroll through fb while sitting on the couch with the kids as they play. Nothing wrong with that right?? Maybe not for some. But I did it EVERY TIME. Or how about in the car while driving with my family?? Gotta look through the fb feed!! RIDICULOUS....I could be talking, or playing silly car games with my family..but instead I'm looking at pictures of what strangers had for dinner, or at pictures of OTHER people enjoying their family time. Watching a show with the hubs and a commercial comes on??? NO fear...just click on fb, no need to have nothing to focus on for 3 minutes til your show returns. Feeling kinda low??? No problem, post something witty to facebook and be reassured of your worth by your friends liking or commenting on your posts. The flip side to that is if NO ONE likes or comments on your posts your sent spiraling even lower because you need the affirmation and apparently THAT post or part of you is not 'worthy' enough.
It's a ridiculous merry-go-round of displaced faith and friendship.
We can spend hours engaging in "other people's lives" as they let us into intimate parts of their day that we would normally have no knowledge of. But we aren't truly engaging in 'relationship' with that person. We are merely...fb stalking them and temporarily filling a need for "interaction" by simply knowing ABOUT someone, rather than actually knowing them.
It's so incredibly dumb!!! I feel like a total reject...but it's my embarrassing reality at the moment.
I can clearly see my need for approval and acceptance as I'm writing this..and admitting that is a bit scary.
So tonight, while laying in bed not able to fall asleep. I made the rash decision to officially completely delete my facebook page.
I feel relieved and anxious all at once. But I want to feel free!
When I deactivated my account in July. God led me to the scripture.
"Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be given to you."
If you want true friendship? Seek first the kingdom of God.
If you're feeling lonely and need acceptance? Seek first the kingdom of God.
If you're lacking peace and joy in life? Seek first the Kingdom of GOD.
It's amazing how different the spiritual climates of our emotions are when we truly put God first and cut out distractions and things that are peace killers....or I dare say, have become an idol in our hearts.
I got a small taste of it during my month of no facebook. I felt freedom. I felt peace and joy and passion return to my soul. I was seeing progress in areas that had been stalled and obsessed over for such a long time.
Then I gave it all back, with excuses. With lies that I "needed" to get back on.
But, it's over now. Its been deleted.
It's not going to be easy. I'm going to have to "detox" all over again. But I am so desperate for Gods peace and fulfillment. I'm so desperate for God to be the first person I talk to when I'm lonely or frustrated or having a bad day. When you can't post your frustrations out to the world...you rely more on God for that 'release'. Venting to God pays bigger dividends than venting to cyber space anyways.
So, there ya have it. Now you know. I'm a facebook addict. Ashamed and embarrassed to admit it. But ready for my new found freedom!!
I don't know if anyone will even see this since I'm not sharing it on fb. lol. Oh-well. If these blogs are meant to "spread" they will I guess. I'm not willing to trade my peace for the sake of that.....so I guess I'll just have to deal. :)
Here's my messy addiction God. Please take it and give me something beautiful in return!!!
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