I'm not who I want to be.
I don't accomplish what I want to accomplish.
Do I matter???
I've got to tell you, I've been in a battle lately. A battle for my worth, a battle for my confidence, a battle for happiness and contentment and just making it through the day!
I wish I could tell you that I always find my strength in God.
I wish I could say that I'm always able to overcome the lies of the enemy.
I wish I could wake up and "positive self talk" myself into a great mood.
I wish I was able to be put together, and accomplish my goals with gusto and enthusiasm.
I wish I was ALWAYS CONTENT!
I'll take a chance and vulnerably say that so many issues have been swirling in my mind lately. The need to fit in, the desire to matter, the need to be heard and loved and appreciated. The fulfillment of accomplishing something, the pleasure of admiration. Why does everyone else seem so happy!?? Why do they seem so involved and engaged and successful in their endeavors while I work like a dog towards my goals and still fall short??? Why do I feel so unfulfilled even when I'm doing all these amazing things?
I went to church last night desperately in need of something from God, ANYTHING from God. I needed to hear His voice, feel His presence and warm embrace.
After an awesome time of worship and a great word from 2 Corinthians 13 the speaker said something...
"If we aren't experiencing regular, sweet, ongoing fellowship with the Holy Spirit, then we are forfeiting the fruit of our redemption."
My ears perked up, because I have NOT been experiencing the fruit of my redemption.
All of these amazing blessings and promises that Christ provided through the cross and here I am pouting over why I don't feel "happy enough and accomplished in my life"...I constantly question my worth and effectiveness in living my life.
WHERE IS THE FRUIT OF MY REDEMPTION??
He went on to say..
"If you're not where you once were, if you are not where you want to be, if you want a deeper and more fulfilling relationship with God, all you have to do is HEAR HIS WORD and RESPOND TO IT"
When you feel the tug on your heart towards God, don't hesitate, RESPOND!!!! Don't hold back, even if no one else is responding.
When he opened up the alters, all I could do was GO! I needed to GO. I HAD TO GO!
The moment I knelt down before the Lord, I felt His presence rush over me, naturally tears were flowing like this ongoing rain we've been having and all I could say was..
"LORD, I'm so Broken and I need you to fix me and set me free"
I need to be free from the bondage of being needed, liked, accepted, admired by others. I need to be free from my own insecurities and see myself through GODS eyes and not my own. I need to be free from the pressure to push harder, do more, go faster and always be better or busy.
I am Broken and I need to be free.
I felt Gods gentle voice say, "Dayna, it's ok to be broken...if in your brokenness you rely on me, then broken isn't a bad place to be. You are everything you need to be, you just need to stop trying so hard to be all these other things."
One moment like that in Gods presence is better than all the self help phrases I could utter. It's better than anything I could accomplish. It's better than my best efforts on my best day with my biggest joys! ONLY GOD can fill and make us whole.
God sees brokenness as Beautiful! We were never intended to go through this life on our own.
Some people seem REALLY GOOD at going through life totally on their own merit. Working hard, Accomplishing a lot. Inspiring people with their work ethic and resolve.
I just didn't understand why when I "resolve" to do something and try to make it happen I always fall flat on my face!!!
But God has been showing me that first of all, I'm not meant to do ANYTHING on my own. Not one single thing is meant to just be sure will on my part without Gods help. Second, I'm learning that not all things are meant for all people, and THAT is ok. I don't have to be like anyone else. I don't have to do things like anyone else.
I think I've always known that, but my problem is...I "WANT" to be like other people. People I admire or see good qualities in. I "WANT" to do and be the same as lots of people.
But God has made me different. I hate that sometimes...But He has made me different.
He's made me completely and totally incapable of being fulfilled in this life without Him.
And though that may mean I "fail" at many things in this life that probably don't really matter much in the grand scheme of eternity. It also means that I get to live my life understanding that God is where my contentment lies. God is the giver of happiness and fulfillment. And though that is definitely hard at times. It helps me stay close to Him. It doesn't take much of me wondering away into the happiness schemes of the world to realize that I'm working way to hard for way too little fulfillment and I need to follow my footsteps back to Jesus.
I probably don't matter to the world, I probably won't hit all of my goals for the year. I may not be admired or inspiring and people may not like what I have to say.
Yes, I am a big mess of BROKEN on just about any given day.
But I am Beautifully Broken...
So, it's ok. :-)
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